How to Stay Friends without Social Media

How do you stay in touch with people once you leave social media?

This one of the main concerns I hear from people when they find out that I’ve quit social media. To be truthful, you will fall out of touch with some people. But you know, that’s not always a bad thing. At least it wasn’t for me.

According to anthropologist Robin Dunbar, the number of people humans can sustain relationships with is 150. He based this number (called Dunbar’s Number) on the size of the human brain. The thesis is that primates are wired to be in group sizes that will assist with survival. While there are arguments about the validity of this theory, I know I feel stressed-out when I have too many relationships going on and not enough time to nurture them.  

Being a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend is very important to me. It brings me joy to take care of the people I love. I cook for them, check-in on them regularly, and give them my focused attention when I am with them. But I must be careful with my energy too. I am an introvert and when I don’t have alone time, I easily burn-out. When I burn-out I get impatient and cranky and those certainly are not traits I want to bring to my loved ones. I work to find a balance that serves both my need to connect and my need to be alone.

Stepping away from social media has allowed me to stay in touch with a manageable number of people in a way that is not only sustainable but also joyful. Caring for the people I know is more important to me than updating contacts I don’t really know. Reducing the number of people I need to connect with keeps me peaceful.

When people worry that they will lose contact with people if they leave social media, I think they may not be accounting for the increased leisure time they will get once they stop scrolling. Personally, I use some of that extra time to stay in touch with my friends and family.

Ways to Stay Connected

I call people on the phone. Having a phone conversation is so healing. I love catching up with my parents and siblings on a regular basis. Our conversations are deeper because there aren’t 500 followers looking at our conversation online. We can whisper secrets, talk about our fears, and connect in ways that we can’t if we were only commenting on one another’s posts.

I write letters. I’ve written about the joys of letter writing before and I’m still in love with sending and receiving letters. There’s nothing like opening your mailbox and seeing a handwritten envelope waiting for you. It’s a much bigger thrill than seeing how many strangers double-tapped an IG post.

I text. If I want to share something I saw or did, I text it to a friend. I still feel the satisfaction of sharing a special moment. And you know, I always get a 'like' from a friend.

I meet up with people in person. Before Covid, I made sure that I scheduled a coffee or lunch date at least once each week. While that hasn’t been as easy lately, I do have standing Zoom calls with three different creatives each week. Two of these Zoom calls comprise of time to chat and then writing sprints. With the other call, we visit and craft. It’s a great way to keep in touch and ensures I make time to work on my creative projects.

Who I Lost

Have I lost touch with people? Absolutely. But most of the people I’ve lost touch with probably aren’t people I necessarily need to stay in daily contact with anyway. Many of the people I’ve disconnected from are people I never met. I only knew them via my online life. That’s not to say everyone I only know virtually has left. The ones who have stayed, who I text and email with, who leave comments on my blog, are the people I look forward to meeting one day.

I’ve also lost contact with some old school chums and some acquaintances. But honestly, do we really need to stay in touch with every single person we knew in school? For me, the answer is no. Being of a certain age, where I lived most of my life without social media, I didn’t “reconnect” with many of those school friends until thirty plus years after graduation. If I didn’t feel the need to be in contact with them all those years, why did I suddenly feel I needed to now? And as for acquaintances, I believe some people come into your life for just a brief time. All our connections don't need to be permanent.

There are some relatives that I’ve lost social media contact with too. Instead of keeping them up to date via Facebook, I send out a nice a long letter at Christmas and fill them in on my life. They often write back and then we’re both happy to let another year go by before we touch base again. And that’s okay. Contrary to what the social media giants tell us, we don’t have to be in constant contact, updating each other on every aspect of one another's lives, always telling one another how we feel about politics or one another’s lifestyle choices. In fact, for some of us, a brief synopsis of the past year is a friendly, civil way to stay in contact. I find that this method keeps me focused on the humanity of my loved ones rather than their political views.

What About Groups?

Finally, I’ve received a few questions about the groups on Facebook. Honestly, I was never one for Facebook groups. I have found only one or two that gave me helpful information on a continuous basis. Often, I would scroll through these groups instead of actually doing my creative work or worse, the groups would devolve into petty arguments and one-upmanship. I do miss one or two of the groups and have let the moderators know why the platform doesn’t work for me. I would love to see more groups start on some alternative group hosting sites. I understand that these other options might cost money, but I would be happy to contribute a few dollars a month to help the moderator move the group to more holistic site and would love to help cover a few scholarships for those who need a little financial help but want to participate.   

How do you make friends?

I make the friends the way we all made friends before social media became the norm. When I moved from California to Washington state five years ago, I went to my local library and joined in as many activities I could find. Many of my best friends were found in those groups. The trick is to be vulnerable. When you see someone who you feel a connection with, ask them for coffee. You’ll be surprised by the number of positive responses you get. We’re all looking for connection so be brave and make the first move.  

Conclusion

If you still think you will struggle to maintain contact with friends and family without social media, why not ease into it and see if that’s really true? I love using the “crowding out” method when I’m trying to make lifestyle change. Instead of telling myself I can’t do or have something, I add the new habits to my life slowly, and then just naturally let the things I don’t want get crowded out by the things I do. Look at my list of ways to stay in touch without social media. Pick one and start doing it. Maybe schedule one, two hour Zoom call with a friend each week. Viola! You already have two fewer hours available to use social media and you are deeply connecting with a loved one.

But ultimately, all this is YOUR choice. I’m not here to judge you. I just want to share what has worked for me in case you are thinking of leaving social media too. Or maybe you feel neutral about the whole thing. In that case, maybe the “crowding out” method will help you in another area of your life. (I use it when I’m trying to eat healthier too!)

Thanks for reading my story. Next time, I’ll talk about trying to run a business without social media.

Did you miss my first post about leaving social media? You can read it here.